A Series of Inexplicable Drabbles
by Larunya
Summary: Various drabbles written for the LJ Yaoi100 Community challenges.
1. Random Plotbunny: AceSan

** Excuse Me Sir; Are You Just Going to Throw That Away? (Random Plotbunny)**

As they lay stretched out beneath the covers together, Sanji knew that it shouldn't have been necessary to remind himself that he loved Ace very much, that it was obvious to all upon their ship that Ace would happily worship Sanji's very shadow had it become an official religion. He knew he shouldn't have to drum it into himself that the principal of Ace bringing him breakfast in bed was indeed very thoughtful and endearing.

Only it would have been, if Ace didn't always insist upon cooking it himself. _On himself. _In bed.

It wasn't so much the bacon fat stuck between the sheets that was the problem. Oh no. Why, oh why did Ace have to insist upon using his _arse as a toaster_?

Never being one to waste food, Sanji faithfully reached for the butter.


	2. Knots: ZoroLuffy

** Craftwork (Topic: Knots)**

Whenever Zoro sees someone tying up a knot to secure the sails, he mentally shudders. Up until that night, a knot conjured up images of a secure fastening, a measurement of speed, a dark marking in a board of wood, _anything_ as far away as possible from the unique application of the word that Luffy had once made him witness. He loved Luffy but damn, sometimes his captain had some pretty bizarre trails of thought crossing the vast empty expanse of territory that was his mind.

Zoro had awoken to find that something warm and gangly was frantically poking him and whining quietly into his ear.

"Zorooo!"

Zoro eased open his sleep-heavy eyelids only to be greeted by a bleary view of Luffy's crotch almost directly at face level. Not an uncommon sight for Zoro to awake to but at this hour had all the charm of a cat sat on a doorstep proudly presenting its owner with a dead mouse. He closed his eyes again.

"Luffy, don't point that thing at me, _not _now…"

"But I did something to it for you," wheedled Luffy, "It's a present."

"What _are_ you on about?" moaned Zoro and hauled himself upright. Once the sleepy fog had subsided, the meaning of Luffy's "present" became apparent.

"What the hell did you do that for?!" hissed the swordsman, his face scrunched up in disgust.

"It's a present and you always put bows on top of presents so…"

"You _tied a knot_ in your dick because it was a present?!"

"It's for you to unwrap."

"No, fucking way!" growled Zoro and booted a protesting Luffy back to his own bed. But the mental damage had been done and Zoro lay awake for a long time afterwards, the image of Luffy's "craftwork" forever burned into his memory.


	3. Ties: CobyHelmeppo

**Inexplicably Tangled (Topic: Ties)**

Sometimes the harder we try to untangle something, the worse the tangle becomes.

Coby knew that ever since the day they had both witnessed Morgan's escape, their destinies had began to loosely tie into one another. They vowed to train together, sweat together, ache together, ceaselessly spending every waking hour competing and spurring the other on.

Perhaps they were a little too successful in this aim.

When Coby was inevitably promoted above Helmeppo and posted away to a separate island, Coby knew that, vow or no vow, now was the time he desperately needed to pull away from Helmeppo.

Sometimes the harder we pull away from something, the harder we spring back.

Within an instant of his return, the two became one writhing tangle of limbs; hands clasped tightly, hips thrust together and tongues unashamedly tracing the contours of each others bodies. Neither had really had a clue what they were doing and it was messy, almost painful sex but Coby felt that waking up entwined with Helmeppo with his breath warm on his neck and his hay-like hair caught up in his fingers was worth a few unsavoury aches. If Garp ever found out…the consequences didn't even bear thinking about. But whatever happened, thought Coby as he absent-mindedly tried to part a few strands of hair, they had both become inexplicably tangled together into the navy and inexplicably tangled together they would remain.


	4. Ties: KakuPaulie

**Deadlock (Topic: Ties)**

"Paulie-san, show us how to do a handcuff knot again."

"What? Right, this is the last time, pay attention. What? What the hell are you tittering like that for…?"

Kaku observed the gaggle of apprentice shipwrights surrounding Paulie and smiled surreptitiously over the rim of his tea mug. One year into this job and watching the rare occasions where Paulie grudgingly showed trainees the ropes – literally in this case – still proved to be an interesting tea-break spectacle. The foreman could be so easily riled, especially towards the end of the day when he'd smoked himself out of cigars, and sometimes the tiniest sight of Kalifa's non-existent skirt provoked a rant loud and long enough to be picked up in San Faldo. Kaku sometimes couldn't help but feel slightly amused about Paulie's occasional outbursts of unbridled emotion. He was the very reason that watching poker had become a more popular spectator sport in Water 7 than Yagara Bull racing.

"What's your favourite type of mast Paulie-san? Mine's the spanker mast."

"Strange choice, you only get those on the larger naval vessels. Hey, why is that so funny?!"

And sometimes, Kaku noted, it seemed a lifetime's immersion in ship building had left him, at times, almost painfully blind to apprentice innuendo. He knew that such thoughts about Paulie were steps on to a dangerous road of involvement with one's targets but one tiny part of him, a part that hadn't yet succumbed to the World Government's dose of emotional repression, felt ever so slightly envious of the foreman who never had to worry about fully comprehending the subtleties of a target's words or keeping his feelings under deadlock and key, double-chained and bolted down.

Paulie could never know how he felt. And right to the end, he never did.


	5. Sex Pollen: KakuJyabura

**Wrong Species (Topic: Sex Pollen)**

"This is why I told you not to come any fucking closer!"

Kaku grabbed a handful of Jyabura's hair, pulled one leg up and around his waist and thrust his tongue between Jyabura's parted lips.

"I'm terribly sorry, I – mmph – haven't a clue what's come over me all of a sudden. And you for that matter."

Jyabura's hands had prised open Kaku's tracksuit top and were dancing feverishly across his chest.

"You just wouldn't fucking listen would you – aahhh, damn herbivore! You wait until this stuff wears off and then we'll see how much use those extra 20 _douriki_ of yours are then."

"Until what wears off?"

"The tree, the pollen – nnnnn!"

He indicated a tendrilous blossoming shrub, upended in a hole and half-covered in soil. Kaku had seen him frantically scooping dirt over it as he'd entered the natty little oriental garden but just assumed the wolf had severely succumbed to one of his episodes of instinctive canine burying and marched straight over to relay a particularly whinging message from Spandam.

"Sorry – what?"

"It's the pollen! It's meant to attract women, only I got the wrong fucking species! I got the one that attracts men and makes them…"

"I see."

Finally the two of them managed to writhe, grope and roll their way out from under the radius of pollen given off by the shrub, a moment that came not a moment too soon for Jyabura whose desperate delusion that Kaku's nose had been jabbing him in the hip was about to disintegrate.

"But…" Kaku said tentatively, "How then did you realise your mistake?"

Jyabura suddenly dropped the fists aimed at Kaku's head, paled, and grimaced as if caught in the throes of some terrifyingly foul reminiscence.

"Earlier, Fukurou came in to talk to me and…"


	6. Villains: PaulieIceburg

**Strike A Pose (Topic: Villains)**

Kiwi and Mohzu love summertime in the shipyard. Shirts come off, men wander around shining in their bare-chested glory and Paulie gets hot and bothered and very easy to wind up. Summer just wouldn't be the same without the heat and the sound of Paulie yapping like an overgrown terrier.

Though this year, there seemed to have been some…developments in the shipyard. Paulie was oblivious to their antics today, staring at something in the near distance with his mouth gaping so wide open it was a miracle he hadn't lost his cigar. The twins rested themselves on his shoulders and followed his line of vision. Iceburg had emerged from behind a pile of timber propping a plank on his shoulder, bare-chested, muscles flexed and compensating for all the time wrapped in shirt.

The twins stared at Paulie. Kiwi smirked at Mohzu. Mohzu grinned at Kiwi. And with a flash of telepathy that only twins seem to know, an idea had passed between them.

"Wow Mohzu, don't you think Iceburg's pretty fit for his age? I've never seen muscles that well toned."

The shoulder that Kiwi was resting on twitched.

"Well you know what they say: men mature with age."

The beginnings of a neon red blush were running out from behind Paulie's ears.

"He must have dozens of women chasing him; I bet he has the pick of them."

The appropriate nerve honed in on and struck, Paulie flared up, finding his tongue again quite spectacularly.

"Y-YOU, YOU SHAMELESS WOMEN! HOW CAN YOU TALK ABOUT ICEBURG LIKE THAT?! SHOW SOME RESPECT YOU, YOU…VILLAINS!"

Then he stormed off leaving the Square Sisters giggling uncontrollably. They didn't mind the insult too much. Aside from it being adorable, something told them that this would probably be their most interesting summer yet.


	7. Playing Games: CobyHelmeppo

**Kinito (Topic: Playing Games)**

The Naval forces on shore leave were a force to be reckoned with. Coby should have known that drinking with the entire midshipman's brigade would lead to this but finding himself with blurred vision, slurred speech and about as even a balance as a rickety table, something still didn't add up.

"Helmeppo, why am I so drunk?" he asked, propped up by Helmeppo's shoulders.

"'Cause you're a lightweight who has never drunk anything stronger than lemonade," replied Helmeppo, adding as an afterthought, "And there was more vodka in yours than orange."

This did not compute. So Coby asked again, "Helmeppo, why am I so drunk?"

"'Cause you tried to kid me that two dice could add up to a total of 30."

Dice. Hmm. That made sense. He remembered something about a drinking game involving dice, how much they added up to and him failing spectacularly to lie about how much they added up to. Still didn't make sense though.

"Helmeppo, why am I so drunk?"

Helmeppo finally got them both through the door to their room, dropped Coby on to the bed and replied, "'Cause I can _always _tell when you're lying." Then he kissed him to shut him up.


	8. Playing Games: CP9

**Lying In Moderation (Topic: Playing Games)**

Kaku was the one who suggested it, thinking it might be a good way to get CP9 to bond over something other than Spandam-hatred.

Blueno added the drinking aspect of the game as he was certain he could drink everyone else under the table.

Jyabura agreed to it enthusiastically. There was no way in hell he was going to be beaten by Blueno.

Fukurou joined in because he couldn't possibly miss a chance to glean some drunken gossip.

Kalifa accepted it with a resigned smile – a smile resigned to the fact that none of these men would know what had hit them once she got started.

Kumadori furiously declined, spouted a lecture about the evils of drink and flounced off to meditate.

And Lucci and Hattori, who both took their drink in strict moderation, sat aside and waited for those fools to make idiots of themselves.

The game wasn't difficult. Two die under a cup, shook up by the first player and the total looked at and read out solely by that person. The next player had to do the same, only the total on their die had to be higher than that of the first. If it wasn't, you had to down your drink. If you lied about it and were found out then you also had to drink. A supreme challenge for the masters of deception.

Except no one took into account the presence of Fukurou, incapable of lying to save himself from drinking and knew exactly what was under the cup at any given moment.

No one won the game that night.

Lucci got up and left the five unconscious members of CP9 in their positions on, around and under the table. He was going to treat them all to a dawn wake-up call the next day…


	9. Road: JohnnyYosaku

**Here, There, Panda Everywhere (Topic: Road)**

Zoro never ceased to be surprised by the carefree attitude with which Johnny and Yosaku seem to skip along the open, perilous road of the bounty hunter. The panic of Yosaku's scurvy had only just been apprehended and yet here the two of them were, below deck, knocking back the sake as if it had come out of a tap and casually taking his questions in an untroubled and cheery manner.

"What the hell were you doing, floating around in that state?"

"We got lost because Yosaku used the map as a beer coaster in the last bar we went to."

"Yeah – 50 miles back!"

"Well how the hell did you manage to get scurvy? In this day and age?"

"We were skint, we spent all our money on that boat."

"And where the hell are your trousers, Yosaku?"

"Dunno what you mean, Aniki."

"Those are blatantly underpants, not shorts. What, did you throw them overboard in a fit of passion or something?"

"Not this time, Aniki. Thing is, we went looking for Pandaman…"

"Why?"

"The bounty of course. We were flat-out broke and that guy's got quite an impressive sum on his head so…"

"So what's that got to do with losing your trousers?"

Johnny glanced at his partner for what seemed to be approval. Yosaku shrugged nonchalantly. Johnny continued with a smile.

"We think Pandaman has them. Anyway, kanpai!"

"Kanpai!"

Zoro found that he couldn't quite look them both in the eye for quite some time after that.


	10. Crossover: LucciPaulie

**The "Attacker" (Topic: Crossover)**

No one knew exactly what had provoked that particular fight; though some snide comment from Lucci in relation to Paulie's financial management was the assumed culprit. All that Paulie could recall was that he had just got a good grip on Lucci's wrist in a completely non-sexual, non-homoerotic manner and was primed to dunk the bastard into the canal when the altercation was interrupted by several high-pitched cries:

"Waahh! Lucci-san! Moe! "

"Paulie-san is so forceful and manly!"

Paulie released Lucci and span round on his heels. As expected, about a dozen girls in yellow dresses stared at him through clasped hands and shiny eyes.

"I thought I _told _you lewd women not to come back here!" he growled, "How the hell do you keep getting in?!"

"Moe-dar™," stated Hattori as it were the most obvious answer in the world.

"How could we miss such a delicious scene like this?" cooed the fangirls, "Two beautiful boys fighting for dominance, Lucci-san clearly being the seme…"

"Don't you all have school to go to?! And just what the hell is this "seme" crap you've been bleating on about all week?! I don't even play team sports!"

Lucci grinned unpleasantly, leaned forward and put his mouth close to Paulie's ear.

"You idiot," said Hattori, "Don't you know a seme is…"

Paulie was forced to take a considerable amount of time off sick. Tilestone, who was not moe by any stretch of the imagination, was ordered to remove the fangirls by Iceburg and Lucci worked in peace for the rest of the week.

_A/N: Cookies to anyone who guessed which fandoms crossed here._


	11. Umbrella: SanjiChopper

**Rain-deer (Topic: Umbrella)**

They hadn't even reached this latest island and Chopper was already far from enamoured with it. They were supposed to be approaching a Summer Island yet for the last three days it had rained ferociously and capriciously, nearly always when it was his turn to brace the outdoors and fix something vital broken by Luffy. Winter fur, whilst perfect for keeping out the extreme cold, didn't always serve well to keep out the biblical wet, turning him into a kind of reindeer sponge and leaving a trail of damp wherever he went.

This was bothering Sanji, he could tell. He had seen the twitch in that curled eyebrow as he entered the galley, leaving puddles with hairs swimming in them on all the work surfaces and generally reeking of wet reindeer (or wet venison, thought Chopper apprehensively). He did his best to keep out of his way until he was fully dry but Nami didn't always appreciate him borrowing her hairdryer and there was only so much that towel-drying could achieve.

As Chopper unenthusiastically prepared to leave on the fourth day of the deluge, Sanji thrust something bulky, wrapped in paper, into his hooves and disappeared without a second word. Or even a first word. Puzzled, Chopper tore off the wrapping. Underneath was an enormous umbrella, sturdy, pink to match his hat and with a self-opening catch. Chopper beamed, feeling something strangely squiggly in his stomach. Trying not to think about how much this must have cost Sanji, he ran head-first into the rain to try it out.


	12. Sniper: LuffyUsopp

**Captain Usopp vs. the Monkey King (Topic: Sniper)**

_Behold, as he blends into the shadows of the dark, impenetrable Sunny Forest, a death-trap of terror for all but he, the Almighty Captain Usopp, who knows it as intimately as if it were his very own back garden! Creeping under the shadows, past the Ancient Slumbering Marimo, silent, ethereal, the wind brushes against his cheek, wishing him luck – but alas Captain Usopp leaves nothing to chance! Trained in the art of ninjutsu and gifted with the mysterious seventh sense, no beast evades him, not even the monstrous Chopperos of the Ice Country, who he stalks, primed to snipe with deathly accuracy and _– WHOOMPH! _It's an ambush! Captain Usopp has been ambushed by the treacherous Monkey King_ – Luffy, you're supposed to shoot Chopper with the paint gun, not me! - _who has him pinned to the ground under his immense paws! Do not cry for me, my fair and numerous maidens, for Captain Usopp possesses strength far surpassingly godly and can easily flick away such a creature as if he were a mosquito and – _Luffy, get off, I told you to shoot Chopper not wrestle me! – _though the Monkey King is a strong and dexterous opponent _– what d'you mean you'd rather fight me than Chopper? – _he knows not Captain Usopp's weaknesses and fights with an untrained barbarity – _gaahaahaaa,noooo, not there Luffy, Captain Usopp is totally _not_ susceptible to that! – _that will inevitably leave him vanquished under the feet of the Almighty Captain _– gaahaahaaa, Luffy you can stop now, take your hands out of there! Alright, alright, I give in!


	13. Kids: CP9

**The Boardroom Bully (Topic: Kids)**

At age 2 ½, little Spandex-kun was a snub-nosed, panda-eyed, vindictive, tantrum-throwing little snot who showed every sign of following in his daddy's footsteps. At least once a month, in the name of "educating" him for his future post, Spandam would manhandle the protesting infant into important boardroom meetings where the brat would scream, look up Kalifa's skirt, scream even louder and would only be pacified if given some of Blueno's meticulously ordered paperwork to use as a colouring book. He had a vendetta against Kaku since the day Kaku had dared reclaim his baseball cap and thought Jyabura's ponytail was the second best thing to play with after the boardroom Den Den Mushi. Just like the way in which Hattori was tolerated, no one could say a word against Spandex-kun simply because he belonged to Spandam.

So of course, on the day when Spandex-kun was found alone in the boardroom, silently cowering under the table, with Lucci, who coolly claimed he hadn't laid a finger on him, Jyabura's initial verdict was that Lucci had taken out on Spandex-kun what he couldn't wreak on Spandam. But Fukurou gleaned the truth later from Kaku. It transpired that in her haste to clear off for a government-funded gala dinner, Mrs Spandam had swept in, ordered Lucci to pass on her child to Spandam and sauntered out again. Sat directly in front of Lucci, Spandex-kun had stood up, wiped his sticky hands on Lucci's silk shirt and gone straight for Hattori's tail feathers…

Though Spandam and Lucci were in non-verbal agreement as to keep their respective children apart, Spandex-kun was a somewhat subdued little snot thereafter.

Still, there was hope for new baby Spandau-chan who, according to Fukurou, had more than a passing resemblance to the gardener.


	14. Little Things: CobyHelmeppo

**Short Man Syndrome (Topic: Little Things)**

Helmeppo watched as midnight came and passed and still Coby was awake under his futon and a torch, engrossed in a paperback tome.

"What you reading that's so fascinating?"

"The Philosophy of War," said Coby, holding up a book written by a professor with countless initials after his name.

"Does any part of you ever get any rest?" asked Helmeppo contemptuously, "I can't say I've seen many fatigued Fleet Admirals lately."

"I think it's just as important to exercise one's mind as well as one's body," retorted Coby, "Not that you'd know anything about that."

"That's rubbish; I have a very tactical mind and loads of poignant and intelligent thoughts about life too."

Silence. Coby was distracted from his book by the look on Helmeppo's face – a pained expression that indicated that his philosophical cogs might just have creaked into life.

"See with you… it's because you're short," came the eventual revelation.

"What?"

"You work so hard 'cause you've got Short Man Syndrome. It's the insecurity of training around someone so tall that you just can't help but feel you have to _measure_ up to me."

"Is that so?"

"Yeah."

Coby sighed, stood up and pulled back the cover of Helmeppo's futon.

"You know," he said, sliding in next to him, "Being short has its advantages. We can conserve energy and space in one bed and leave plenty of room for equipment. Perhaps we could try it out next time we're at sea?"

"Uh, yeah," said Helmeppo, trying to mimic Coby's pragmatic tone and failing. Having nothing more philosophical to add, (or anything else to say full stop) Coby felt that he had proved his point and got back into his own bed, secretly smiling at how Helmeppo was so red-faced that he almost served as a reading light.


	15. Explosive: Ace

**(Topic: Explosive)**

Screwing the guy seemed like a good idea at the time. He was clearly the overcompensating type – trenchcoat, sunglasses, blonde in tow – and a good means of riding out an incapacitating sandstorm. Ace waited until the blonde had gone to the bathroom before propositioning the guy, who told him to drop dead but otherwise followed him straight to the courtyard.

Ace was right about the overcompensating part. The guy didn't really know what he was doing and would have been a rather uninspiring lay if it weren't for the ending. He shuddered in what Ace assumed were the throes of orgasm and moments later Ace was catapulted across the courtyard and smack into the opposing wall. He sat up and stared at the guy, vaguely aware that his mouth was hanging open like a goldfish. Devil's fruit user. Devil's fruit user who had just fucking _exploded _and was standing there with his trousers round his ankles looking only mildly surprised.

Worse still, before he even had a chance to comment, the blonde came storming through the wreckage, screamed something at the guy about his lack of control and then rather violently sat on his head.

Ace retrieved his hat and made a rather swift exit. He'd seen it all today and anyway, explosions tended to make him hungry.


	16. Justice: CobyHelmeppo

**The Means Justify the Ends (Topic: Justice)**

Coby arrives on the scene mere minutes after it has happened. He checks first that the hostages have gone unharmed and then turns his attention to Helmeppo, who is clinging to his Kukri blades and staring at the blood seeping out over the cobbled street. Coby approaches and he doesn't move an inch. Reasons, justifications are running through his mind.

_He would have killed more civilians._

The blades hit the floor in a deafening clatter of steel and Coby sees a tear streaking down Helmeppo's ashen face. He puts his arm around his trembling shoulder and tries to get the words out.

_He would have been executed if you'd arrested him._

Coby's throat is dry, choked-up as Helmeppo silently turns, buries his face in a mess of tears, hair and neck and tries to stifle the first sob. Coby wants to tell him that he has achieved what he set out to do, that he can reclaim his life and his own notoriety. But nothing comes out.

_This is justice?_


	17. Amusement Park: CobyHelmeppo

**For His Amusement Only (Topic: Amusement Park)**

Helmeppo didn't like the look of the haunted house. It wasn't as if he was particularly bothered by haunted houses – in his experience they'd always been rubbish – but he had a funny feeling about this one. He'd had a funny feeling about the whole day in fact, right from the look that Garp gave him when Coby told him they'd spending their day of shore leave at a funfair, and it felt like someone had been watching them all day. But Coby was insistent that they queue up for it:

"Come on Helmeppo, we've done everything else here. Worried that it'll scare you?"

"Pfft, _me_, scared of a few plastic skeletons and goons in masks? Like hell I am."

"Then you'll come in with me?"

"If you insist."

He reluctantly followed Coby inside, though he might have been a bit more eager if he'd known that Coby only really wanted to get him alone in the dark for a while. An attendant in a lab coat ushered them though and bid them to explore the house, a gory hospital set-up that gave Helmeppo the creeps – he'd never been overly fond of hospitals, especially since Coby had been in one with that head wound. There was blood splattered from room to room and groaning shapes moving behind the medical screens, although strangely nothing jumped out at them. Helmeppo drew closer and closer to Coby as they negotiated the house.

"I-it's not real, it's just a fake hospital," he said, more to himself than anything. Coby linked their arms and squeezed his hand in an attempt to distract him.

"Of course it's not real," he laughed, "It's all just fake blood and props!"

"Yeah," conceded Helmeppo, "And this zombie is probably just covered in jam or – AGHHH!"

He practically leapt a foot in the air as a man in a white coat leapt out at them through the darkness, leering and laughing, his face and beard seemingly matted with fake gore. Without a second glance, Helmeppo bolted and Coby had no choice but to follow, wondering briefly where he'd heard the zombie's laugh before. He tried to convince Helmeppo to go back inside, to prove to him that it wasn't really that scary but Helmeppo was having none of it and Coby was forced to abandon whatever plans he had made for the darkness.

Perhaps it was just as well that they didn't return as Helmeppo may have been disturbed to realise how right had actually been. A second longer in the house and he would have recognised the white jacket, the figure busy cackling into his bag of doughnuts and been spared several weeks of zombie jokes back on the ship.


End file.
